Welcome to episode 6! This is a solo episode, just me today. it has been QUITE a while since episode 5 with Tammy Tibbitts. if you listened you’ll remember that I released it on election day during that holding pattern of waiting to hear the results. Since Nov 3rd a lot has happened for our country and for me in my personal life. First and foremost -- we had a baby! We welcomed Oran Eric Smucker into the world on Jan 18th. Life as a family of 4 has been wonderful so far - the hard part being managing my 3 year old who has been dethroned as the one and only -- I’m encouraged by the “big little feelings” blog that lists the regressions your child may demonstrate “times of stress” : 1- increase of potty accidents (check) 2- waking up in the middle of the night (check) 3- clinginess one minute, acting out the next (check) -- THANK YOU to all my thoughtful friends and family who sent “big brother gifts” they have been a lifesaver
With all of the big family changes (and the new levels of sleep deprivation) I have tried to get my brain into podcast mode a few times, but felt so scattered by all the events of Jan 6th and the ensuing fallout … It seemed like a time to shut up and listen rather than pontificate. I mean -- how are YOU? I’m not doing very well with all of that news -- I had to turn off the radio yesterday when NPR was airing live coverage of impeachment hearings … the audio with voices screaming about killing Mike Pence … the creepy voices yelling “Naaaaancy, Naaaancy” Like some kind of awful horror movie … and I wasn’t watching the videos … be kind to yourself and be mindful about what kind of images you’re putting in your brain.
It is even scarier to see politicians continue to bow down to Trump even when offered a multitude of escape hatches …. And I’m reminded that they are staying so staunchly allegiant because they represent constituents who are adamant Trump supporters. (See the calls to impeach Republican Liz Cheney of Wyoming after she voted to impeach Trump.) I’m not trying to let them off the hook here, I still think they should be thinking with the long term health and stability of our democracy in the forefront of their minds. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wish more leaders were willing to stand up for what is right and face the consequences from their constituents.
I’m thrilled that Joe Biden is about to take the reins, but I do disagree with him when he says “This is not who we are” -- in fact -- the violet mob that invaded the capitol building is a terrifying and accurate portrait of America. Of course, YES - it is a radical extremist faction of America - I can say “It’s not ME” but that misses the point entirely. If we continue to separate ourselves from this violent instinct, this sense of entitlement and then fury when that entitlement is threatened -- we will never fix the problem. We need to recognize that time and time again, America has proven itself a country built on a white supremacist hierarchy upheld by violence and the threat of violence.
Let’s continue to do the messy and painful work of looking in the mirror and knowing that -- maybe if I was born in a different state, to different parents I too would have been part of the mob. Do I really think I’m that much of a better person? Haven’t I pretty much conformed to the belief system that has been laid out and made available to me since childhood?
I do know people who have made major generational change (I’m married to one of them) and I know what kind of personal strength it takes to make the choice to go another way. Did anyone ever see that old Adam Sandlar movie “Spanglish?” Not a great movie, but the question the narrator is asked by her mother -- and the driving question of the movie is “Do you want to be someone very different from me?”
This brings it full circle as I await the arrival of my second child. Will my children (who will walk through the world as white privileged males) choose to live a life similar to mine? Will they want a marriage like mine? Will they pursue higher education the way I did? Will they value art and music? Will they want to be my friend the way my mom is one of my best friends? Will they be friends the way my brother is one of my best friends?
The real question is: what do I want for my children? My (long form) bio on my website says “She lives with her husband and son in Brooklyn NY, she hopes her son grows up to be kind and curious” … accurate … however, curious does leave a lot of room … what if they become curious about how to accumulate as much power and wealth as possible? The deep dark fear: how do I keep my sons from becoming another power hungry self-serving narcissistic Donald Trump?
Reminding myself on a daily basis that his baby is not “mine” -- they are my responsibility to take care of to the best of my ability (which will fluctuate on a daily basis!) but they belong to themselves! They are totally separate from me and will have different likes and dislikes.
This brings me to reminder #2: When my children fail spectacularly or shine like the bright beautiful stars I think they are it is not a reflection of me.
Community: This is no way I could raise children (or make it through life in general) without the help of friends and family. Can I tell you -- the neighbors in our building took up a collection to welcome this baby into the world. It wasn’t a cash donation gifted to us, they were thoughtful enough to know that our apartment is pretty much full to the brim, instead they all pitched in and raised $800 for the NYC Parents Mutual Aid society.
Reminder #3: We all have a finite amount of time and energy. I’ve heard a lot of advice on how you “can’t have it all” -- as in -- you can’t have a career and a family and be successful at both things. I don’t think this is true, at least with just one child (?) I think the key is to be aware that you have a finite amount of time and energy so you only have so much to give before there is nothing left. If you give everything to your job or everything to your family then it’s very true that you can’t have both, but if you keep some balance then it is actually possible to do both.
Reminder #4: I have a fantastic partner! Being in a partnership is directly related to my ability to have both a career and a family. My husband Hans offers emotional support and encourages me to pursue the things that pique my interest AND he is a partner at home as well. This reminds me of Brene Brown’s podcast “Unlocking Us” -- an episode she put out in March of 2020. I listened to it because at the time I was really struggling with comparative suffering. (Comparative suffering is the certain death-spiral where you feel guilty for feeling stressed out because other people have it way worse than you.) The second half of the episode focused on what she called “the 50/50 myth” -- the idea that two people in a relationship need to each give 50% to cover 100% of life. She says that’s a myth because it’s actually rare that partners each over 50%. Often one partner needs to put in more to cover the areas that the other partner can’t handle. For example, if I’m at 30% my partner needs to cover 70%. The danger is when both partners are at 30%. 30+30 = 60 … so what to do about the remaining 40%? This is where asking for help is crucial, this is where you need to have quick meals in the freezer that you can pop in the microwave and not worry about cooking etc. etc.
All of those reminders that raising sons who are thoughtful/kind/curious/altruistic is not all up to me are comforting. I hope that it encourages any of you who are struggling with these same “spirals” -- especially if you’re struggling with comparative suffering or if you’re trying to juggle too many things. (Ask for help! Really!) As a teacher I know that when I teach something I get much better at it, so I’m hoping that saying all of this out loud here to you all will have a similar effect and put this all more securely in my brain.
Credits:
Theme music recorded in isolation by Calliope Brass, mixed and mastered by Aleks Ozolins
Executive Producer: Hans Smucker