It was August 2012, I had just moved cross country (again), and I was living in my parent’s basement with a huge pile of student loans and no job prospects. After years of living with $100 or less in my checking account, doing 6-10 jobs at a time to make ends meet, living in a dysfunctional relationship that had just ended in divorce, not to mention months of sending out applications for any and every job that remotely matched my skill set … let’s just say morale was at an all-time LOW. I thought that I would be teaching at a University, but with the start of the fall semester just days away I had lost hope. My parents took good care of me, thankfully they are in higher ed and they knew from being on countless search committees that the job market was extremely competitive. I had trouble being thankful or giving myself any kind of grace. I wanted to run out and find any kind of job to get enough money to move out. My ego was totally flattened, I thought it was horrible and humiliating that I was divorced and I lived with my parents at age 28 with $0 to my name.
I was used to being constantly on the go, running frantically from one thing to the next so the sudden FULL STOP was startling and I had no idea what the next step was supposed to be. All through my higher ed journey someone had given me the next step/next hoop with the promise of great things to come. So. Where were these great things? Of course, at that moment I couldn’t see anything positive. I didn’t see the great professional and personal support network I had, I didn’t see the huge set of skills and body of knowledge that I gained from my years in school, I didn’t see the possibilities the future held. I just saw a pathetic loser living in her parents basement who wasn’t good enough.
I wish I could go back and give myself a huge hug and say: this will get better! You will discover so many good things about yourself! Your path forward is full of big ideas that YOU will come up with and bring to life! You don’t need an institution or a husband to validate what you have to offer! The ironic thing is, people did say those things to me, I just couldn’t hear what they were saying over the noisy tantrum my ego was throwing. Not that anyone under those circumstances is supposed to be totally fine and simply dust themselves off, jump up and get going in the right direction. It was really rough! I have a lot of empathy for any person in the midst of what feels like “total collapse” and if that is you right now - especially now in this time of COVID-19 uncertainty - please reread the statements above!
The whole point of this introduction to Kate Umble c. 2012 is to give some context into why and how I started on my journey inward. Before I could start believing any of the positive things people were trying to tell me and overcome the negative tsunami I was dumping on myself I had to learn to see the intrinsic value of ME. I sincerely wish that I didn’t have to experience the “total collapse” of 2012 in order to pause long enough to hear my inner whispers, but I know that if I had gotten a college teaching job right out of my DMA program I simply would have found myself in another obstacle course with another set of hoops to jump through. I would have done a great job because I would have put all of my energy into the work... and I would have continued to get all of my self worth and motivation from external factors. Not that every person who was lucky enough to land a job right out of school is devoid of all self-knowledge, I just know that would have been the case for me.
I’m creating My Umble Opinion in hopes that someone out there will be able to learn from my mistakes without having to experience their own version of total collapse. If this can nudge just one person away from external validation to start their journey toward noticing, hearing and believing their internal validation then I have succeeded!
How did I learn to see the value in myself and start believing my inner voice? Of course it is not just one simple “life hack.” Humans have been pondering this question and writing about it for millennia. I have been lucky enough to have the time, resources and mentors to help me sift through some of this collective knowledge. I’d like to use this space to share the strategies and philosophies that I’ve found helpful. This is a lifelong journey. I certainly have days (like today) when I’m a vicious perfectionist and I say mean things to myself because I feel like I’ve let someone down or I worry that someone will see that I’m a fallible being…because I am a fallible being!
I am not an expert in any of these areas, which is why I’m bringing in some of the people who have helped me along the way to talk about their areas of expertise. I’d love to hear from you as well! Taking a look at the topics below if you’re an expert or if some of these jump out at you because you’ve also found them helpful I’d love to get in touch through my contact page or find me in Instagram. Maybe there is something you would like to add to the list that has really worked for you. In that case I’d REALLY like to hear from you! I’ve been trying to put them in order, but everything is so interconnected, you’ll have to tune in to hear where we start.
Mindfulness:
Yoga and the energetic anatomy of the Koshas
Simple daily rituals
Gratitude
Journaling
Building your team:
Therapy
Coaching
Finding a community to plug into -- giving and receiving
Self-Knowledge:
The Enneagram
Check your privilege
How does white privilege impact my life/career?
How does cisgender privilege impact my life/career?
Self-Care (Garbage in = Garbage out)
Food!
Sleep
What is your media diet?
Taking a Leap
Vulnerability
How to handle people who don’t like what you’re doing
---- What else do you want to learn more about? What has worked for you?